A lot of catching up to do

And I'm not just talking about thailand and camboooodia and vietnam and singapore and other places. I'm talking about the last few days! Even yesterday was action packed. Today hasn't been, yet, all I've done is eat brekkie, but I suppose SOME damn thing will crop up. Maybe I'll see off another peace mission? Maybe I'll engage in stick fighting, or fall in love? I'd really just like to wander the streets of Delhi in a very uneventful way, and then make some snippy comments about litter. But I'm sure that that just won't happen, and I'll be involved in defending the red fort, or getting a photo with Mr Invisible, or something else.
And then I'll have to write it here. What a damnable bore.

Ok, well, while the world works out what ridiculous thing to throw my way (a googly?) I'm going to head onwards with some photos of thailand, because everyone likes photos.

So, here is me on the (hopefully, I'm too lazy to check) James Bond Island. They filmed a JB film here, but let me tell you, JB would never be seen on the JB tour that I went on to go to JB Island. For starters, there was nothing riveting about it - it rained A LOT. I mean, the kind of a lot that makes me part with 20 baht to buy a giant green condom to wear. The kind of giant green condom you're about to see, which, shock and horrors, only kept a small 20c portion of my top dry. Anyway, the giant... thing behind me was some part of a JB movie, I don't know which. It reminds me a bit of Pinkie and the Brain, but for no apparant reason. Actually, that's just because it reminds me of a brain. A brain I'd read in an old Qasar (defender of the galaxy!) comic book.
Old Qasar never got a trick right though, and he was a sloppy gallazy defender. In one episode, he helped a kitten with cosmic powers. In another, he helped some people get home to the right planet. It's crappy stunts like these that our own national defenders do from time to time as publicity and political stunts, but I can't think of whom Qasar was doing the stunts for.

ahem.



Next up, here is me (aka Hannibal) riding an elephant. It's a big elephant, and the guide even gave me his hat and helmet to wear. But that's not the highlight - to me, it's the guide, waving, looking to all the world like he needs a good stiff drink. I can imagine a similar guide-hannibal relationship way back when old 'annibal was doing the tour of the alps. I sadly can't imagine any witty dialogue to go with it though. Let's try:

(This conversation was recently dug up from the archives of a Hannibal's palace diaries. It records a time when Hannibal was done with women and wine, and wanted 'A Goal', the type of goal that all men need to define their lives. Be it making a giant tub to hold rain water, to winning a cricket match, to building houses, all up to invading the capital of civilisation and tearing it down. It's desires like these that have gotten us to where we are today)
37th Moonmon
Had a jolly good idea for an invasion today, hey! Thought for ages and ages on how to get in on the history books. Pompeii did it, and Marcus Anotonius did is, and hell, all anyone can talk about is bloody Julius "every woman's man and every man's woman" Caesar, just because he whipped a few barbarians. I asked my counsul, H Mangoby, for any good ideas, and he said I was going just fine by keeping the boat steady. Not rocking the mango cart, and so on. I tried to further the point.
"I'm fed up of women and song. And wine. I want a goal. I want something to remember me by. Like Ozymandis did. Maybe a war, a war to end all wars. That's the kind of war I want."
"Well, in the fullness of time, in due course, maybe a war would be a good idea, m'laud. But in the meantime, perhaps some poetry? Easy to manage, and you get to look like an enlightened warrior-poet. That's all the fashion right now."
"Buggery to that. Only saps and inconsequentials do that - I'm hardly a warrior-poet when all I've done is written poetry! No, I want to invade Rome! I'm talking a big invasion. I want the hearts and minds behind me, and I want the history books in on it too! Any advice on this one, Mangoby?"
"Wee-el, we could draft up some initial plans, ask the naval and armed advisors for their advice. We'd really need to charter some ships, we could get some of the local shipbuilders making more, that's good for the economy. And we..."
"No! Who cares who invades Rome by ship? I want something classy. Something people will remember, win or lose. I want, well, hell, I want big. Big is bold. I want to invade on the the back's of whales, Mangoby."
"Whales."
"No, Rome! Dammned Mangoby, I want Rome, not Wales. And I want it on the backs of Whales"
"Emperor, maybe now is not the right time to be invading on the back's of whales. We'd need case studies and HR policies on whale riding, that king of thing. I suggest we stick with boats, if at all."
"People try that all the time! But I want something different, something to capture the public's imagination. Something to get me in the history books, you know Mangoby! Wait! What about Elephants!" I was inspired! Elephants are exactly what we can ride on, they are big, and noone's tried to invade Rome like that before. Mangoby, as usual, took my brilliance in his stride. I honestly don't know what's wrong with the man, surely anyone can appreciate the brilliance of
an elephant invasion.
"It's a novel and original idea, Hannibal, but perhaps there are other considerations? That no one's done it before..."
"A mark of my brilliant genius!" I chimed in. The man could deflate Neptune's winds, for god's sake.
"Yes, there is that. There's also that the invasion would..."
(here the diaries trail off. We're forever to wonder how Hannibal convinced everyone that taking warm, jungle animals across an ocean and into the freezing alps to attack the bastion of civilisation worked out)

Ok, that's enough Yes, Hannibal for a day. This is MY blog, not the recounts of the adventures of the Civil Service 2000 years back. Or whenever Hannibal did his thing.

Ah! The photo! Well, here it is:



Next up is me diving! This is a more exciting photo, you can see me bravely braving the, erm, elements. In a brave way. Diving was actually really fun, but in conversations with more and more dive instructors, their job sounds like alot of hard work - alot of the same questions each and every day (how long have you done this? What's it like? When did you start?) and always having to be energetic and whatnot.
Still, from the male-diver's point of view, a fair few of them are just purest lothario. I met one such chap (short, fat, unattractive) on phi-phi island, who after interrogating me to see if I was REALLY Australian, then began bemoaning to me how HARD it was being a diver. How he didn't have any friends, and "sure there are women - I had 4 last week" but that it was still lonely. I felt so sorry I asked him why the hell he was doing the job. He didn't have an answer - he was actually trying to find out if I was trying to hit on a girl in the bar. As it happens, I wasn't - I was quite tired, and just wanted to read the Alchemist and go to bed. If you are ever in a similar situation, but want a pre-bed beer, don't go to the pub with the book. Every girl there will hassle you about it, asking "why aren't you dancing" and talk to you about the book! Cripes alive, to think I ever listend to Neil Strauss, when all I needed was the Alchemist and a deep desire to go to bed!

Oh, here it is, the sexiest photo ever. I expect universal studios to offer me the next Bond position after that blondie with the pectorals has left it (it's actually a good film, but I think I'd be the better Bond, as this photo proves without a doubt - pls notice the BLACK hair)



Next up is me manning the fort at the gay cabaret. The woman in the background isn't, as it happens, a woman at all. Not that I know from any experience, you understand. Just a general feeling. Not that I felt anything, you understand. Ugh. Ok, I think I just ran out of paint. Best leave before someone gives me another bucket of the stuff, eh?



Next up, here is a photo of Eva, a delight whom I met in Phuket, who was from Germany! I know, I struggled to be serious for some time, but it turns out that Germans have a sense of humour! This was most surprising.
She introduced me to Hans, his pet dog Carlos (who was a real cute li'l dog!) and, of course, visited the cabaret. I went waterskiing with her (Eva, not Carlos, nor anyone from the cabaret. Except Eva. But she wasn't from the cabaret per-se, but rather visited it with me. I really must ask that people stop giving me paint!), which was alot of fun. There were waves, and turns, and water, and after about 5 minutes it became dreadfully repetitive. We solved this problem by changing rider and passenger mid-trip, in the middle of the bay!
I must admit, I was a bit (well, I don't HAVE to admit it, no one will shoot me if I don't. Unlike my camera) trepidatious when doing this manouvre. We'd been warned of dire consequences should the jet-ski thing fall into the water, but Eva was, quite frankly, undeterred. I must have come across as a bit of a wet blanket with all my worrying about tipping everything into the water. I think the Germans would've just annexed the beach if anything went wrong!




This is a picture of me, en-route to phi phi. Eva has left by this stage, back to the land of milk and honey (or Germany, whichever), and I'm once again intrepidly trekking out to see the sights of a beach in thailand. On the way I meet up with... ummm... I can't remember their names, but one was from Argentina, and the other was from New Zealand. Both were good company, but I can discuss that when I get their picture!!

Ok, so here I am en route to phi phi!!



Ok, I've added this photo to the top of the blog (well, I'm trying to right now, anyway. I don't know if I will, but if I fail - you'll read about that battle here!) but I thought I'd add it again. Because, hey, it's a good photo! I actually took some great ones of the desert, with a camel silhouetted against the rising sun, but then I lost my memory card in the desert. Or on a bus, I don't know - if I did, it wouldn't be lost, would it? Anyway, it's lost, and so is the photo of the camel. But it was a gem of a photo!



I still can't remember their names! I think the guy was called Adrien, and the girl was called... oh poop, I just can't remember! Let's call her kiwi girl for now. It's a bit odd, but I DID promise to send them the photos that I took at the first chance, which I haven't. I really should have, but hey, that is life, eh? I DO remember having a wild night out with them though, on the first night in phi phi. And boy, was it wild. It was wilder than wild... well, no, that's just silly.
We drank some alcohol, had some tequilas, danced, did some mock-boxing, and pretty soon BAM! I'm left trying to work out exactly where the hell the place we are staying is! Phi phi island is, let me say, small. It's not more than about 10 min walk from one end of the town to the other. Nonetheless, on your first night there, there are better things to be doing than being seperated and trying to work out where the heck your place of stay is. I was tired, hell, I was very very tired, and I'd wandered up and down that island a few times, and was just about to curl up and fall asleep on the side of the road when, with the music from the archangel gabriel, and the lights of all the heavenly host, I look up and see my place! I can't describe h ow delicious a sight it was without saying that I can't describe it, and maybe using some metaphors from religious texts. Good sight.
I get back in and, as I'm sharing with Adrien and the Kiwi, there's the delightful look of vomit all around the bathroom. It's Adrien's, and he's worried that I'm going to beat him up over it, or something. I figure that it's best to just collapse on my bed while he apologises.
In the morning, I wake up and go for a swim. I'm quite the sight, by the way, in my speedos, but that's a photo for another day. Maybe today though. We'll see how far I get. After the swim, I manage to step on a see urchin, which is dashedly painful! I don't realise this until later though, when I'm doing the thai cooking class. Meanwhile, on returning, Adrien has, in fact, cleaned up the bathroom much to everyone's relief, and so with a quick "good morning" I dash off to my cooking course!



Just a brief outline of the cooking course - it was taught by a guy called Didi, who was actually called Damien. But "Di" in thai means good, and so "didi" means REALLY good, and everyone on the island quite liked him. Hence the name. I learnt alot from that cooking course, only I also forgot alot. Later on, I tried out my chef skills twice, with varied success - my cousins Lavanya and Sri-Pathy were excellent kitchen hands cum chefs, and helped make the first attempt a real success. I think the second time I tried the cooking at Vasan's house was less of a success, and more a learning curve experience. Anyway, here I am at the end of a day's cooking!



Ok, well, that wasn't much catching up at all! I haven't even COVERED what happened over the last few days. But I'm going to head out now and do some other things (like have a boring day - please please!), and when I get back, there will be more awaiting!

Much more!

than meets the eye!