Stupid Camera

It's in 7 distinct pieces, and there are at least 5 different screw types, most of which the grip at the top is wearing quite thin. If by fixed you read yesterday's post as "disembowel" then, yes, I surely fixed it.

Stupid thing is looking at me now, through one of its 5 lense-bits, all blaming me. Out Damned Spot! Out! Get thee to a nunnery!!
That's all the Shakespeare I can remember... oh, and "Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of york". And "making the beast with two backs", "Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more onto the Breach", with a bit of "A horse! A horse!" and a slice of "Rosenctrantz and Gilderstern are dead", only I can't remember how to spell their names.
But none of them really fit the occasion.

Ok, let's see, where am I up to in the blog?

Malaysia! But the picture won't load, so I'll just quickly do Malaysia -
watched 24 (series one) which is AB FAB and really good. I also saw cricket, swum (thanks again V!) and ate pizza. These high-powered legal types, I've determined, know about the finer, funner things in life. It's not at all like "Boston Legal".
And chilled with my cousin Lavenya, who is a rocking fun cousin to have! Sadly, she's one of those "I think that climate change will change the world" which, aside from being a tautology, is just hot air, and thus contributing TO the climate change. Yeah, stick that in your UN report!

Singapore II (actually, it's s'pore III, as I was in s'pore when I returned from Thailand for a few days, and had a Haryana feast with my uncle and cousin, but I was only there for 3 days before the crazy smog made me leave) was fun, as ever. Again, cousin Vasan was accommodating enough to, uh, accommodate me, and Jen gave me all the fun places to visit. I probably did wild and zany things there, but I can't remember them, so they aren't THAT wild and zany.

Camboooooodia... ok, I'll finish up Cambooooodia tonight. I've got to work out where I am going TODAY! And I have photos to add! And I've got to do my hair, so any photos I get aren't all weird.

Zaizian!
Andrew

Today I'm going to fix my camera!

But I won't write about that here. Actually, I'm now about to grab lunch with my current erstwhile travelling companion, who has just finished having an interview at an embassy for a job. All very exciting, eh?

And speaking of embassys, I've got to go and look up the person who gave me their embassy card while I'm here in India! They might even be able to... oh no, that was the French embassy. Anyway.

Instead, I'll quickly write about my travels in Malaysia II, which is effectively summerised as such:

I read a lot of books and put on some weight after thailand. I don't know how I lost weight (or toned up, although that term seems excessive) in Thailand, but it would appear I did. I stayed with my Uncle Rama, and made excursions to various places, mostly involving - I can't think of the name now, let's see - uhm, gosh this is embarrassing. Bangsa! That's the ticket.

In malaysia this time, I met up with a high-powered legal type going by the name of Vatsala (that's what she told me, but who ever trusted a high-powered legal type? Not me, that's for sure!) who was helpful enough to get me into some clubs for swimming! She'd been updating her apartment, which had taken a while... a real while, really.
I'm just looking over the photo I have here - I look SHOCKING. My god, I don't know when I got my hair cut, but whoever did it should have been shot. Or I should use a comb in the morning.

Whaugh! I have to rush to lunch! But I'll return! I hope!

Today I went to a wedding

And it was a FUN wedding. Reception. The kind of fun wedding reception that DIM and HARAN better be having. The kind including me. Which I always find fun, but that might be me.

Thanks, incidentally must go to Dim, for talking to me at midnight+ sydney time.

Ok, what have I done today?

talked to 15 yr old kids about delhi life. It's quite frentic, really, here. I'm wishing I was brought up in the delhi lifestyle.
Been to a nightclub that was open at 1pm, and closes at 1am. Weird, but right royally FUN!

Been to a wedding reception! And talked to my good friend about work opportunities. All in a good days work. I'll add some more blog-worthy stuff tomorrow. I'm excited! And drunk. but mostly excited!

Andrew!!!!!

Titles are hard, y'know?

As in, the titles for these blog names. I was thinking of something appropriately dramatic - like "Day 1" or maybe even "Day 2", or "D-Day minus 4" which is getting a bit too dramatic. Also, I have no scope of reference for which day SHOULD be d-day. Maybe my birthday?

Now, periodic readers of this blog (hi mum!) will know that I dislike adventuresome days, and yet, sadly, yesterday itself, although I set out quite late, had the elements of danger and action that simplistic pulp fiction novels are based on. There were deceptions, business dealings, even sickness! And health. But no marriage. In any event, I shan't begin to describe the day's proceedings until I've caught up to where I am! By which stage, of course, I will have forgotten, and simply use some photos to... oh wait, I don't have a camera. Well, I'll think of something.

And I got a mysterious comment to add to my blog! Mysterious in who sent it, not the contents, which are as mysterious as a thai cooking book. The kind NOT found at the scene of a murder with a weird hexagram in blood snugly crammed between a pad thai and a tom yum. The kind that just sit there, unmysteriously. That kind.

As for this post: I'll skim through more of thailand, although I think I've nearly finished my first visit there! Most exciting. And I should just refer people onto my friend's accounts of thailand later on... no, on hindsight I might not do that. Well, foresight.

Ok! This is a shot of a sunset from phi phi viewpoint. The viewpoint itself was at one end of the island, which is a real nuisance when you are used to only walking about 3 min in any direction. But as it happens, I decided I'd do the trek up - quite steep, but the top was it's own reward.
Imagine, sitting down to the sunset, beauty all around you, and your ears pick up the varied languages that all came from Babel. I felt so cosmopolitan! It was on this summit, where peoples all over the world can sit and share an appreciation for the work of the nature, that I felt the problems that beset us all could be cornered and watered away.
I turned and said as much to an Israeli chap sitting next to me. He looked at me for a few seconds, and then proceeded to explain that, while my idea had merits, as it so happened EVERYONE (except, at that moment, us) was speaking israeli. No dilution of borders. No sharing of world heritage. Just Israel.
That was a bit of a blow, I have to admit! Through him, I met a fair host of other israelis - most of the phi phi island visiting population, as it happens. This is during the shoulder season - in the high season, they leave, and are overtaken by the Swedes, who descend en mass here.
Still, the general demographic of a phi phi island person should be discussed - either tourist (myself and most of Israel, to be replaced by most of Sweden in December/January), dive instructor (caucasian residents, all illegally living there) and thai people. I have to say, living and working on that island would be a nice kind of paradise, and one that, if I weren't in advancing years, I'd definitely consider for a good 6 month period of my life. But I have a destiny to carve out! A world to conquer! I once read a wonderful book that was discussing the ripe age of 25, and the author decided that an appropriate comparison would be in order.
"By age 25, Alexander the Great had conquered 2 continents. Name any continents you have become emperor over"
"By age 25, Bill Gates had founded Microsoft, to become the largest corporation the world has seen. Name any global-encompassing corporations you have founded"
And on with some more pish. Even posh. Frightfully uninspiring stuff, I must admit. So I'm going to have to find some aims and set my sights on them. Big, lofty ones. But more on that later - for now, content yourselves that that's why I've decided to NOT fritter my life on alcohol, women and fun in phi phi.
Oh, and here's that photo:




And here's another one. I haven't had much success in putting these photos up the top of my banner, but I'll work that out soon enough. And when I do, goodness! I'll let you all know what coding secrets I used.



Ok, so aside from swimming in the sea, talking to people, reading books and otherwise live an enjoyable life, what else did I do, I hear you ask? Well, I don't hear, per-say. I really just assume you are asking. Anyway, if you did ask, I'd have to say something like: "well, I did a thai cooking course." And you'd say, "well, yes, I read that. But anything else?" and then I'd say... oh, this is all just going towards the next picture, but the point is I did some thai kickboxing! Yeah, with the kicking! And the boxing! It was a damn good mix!
Actually, one of the goals of this trip is to learn a martial art, and while 3 hours of lessons isn't quite what you'd call a great grounding, it's a start. My teacher for the lesson was one Ang, if I remember correctly, and he was a really nice guy.
His story is an interesting one, and so I'll recount it as faithfully as I can.



Ang was born somewhere up north, in the hill region. In Thailand, there' s really not too many ways for the impoverished people to make a living, esp if they were born in the poorer hill areas. Down south, every man and his dog can make money by running a bar or driving a tuk tuk about, but the north isn't that friendly to that kind of entrepreneurial spirit. I'm gathering, anyway, I never went north in Thailand at all! The point is, you can make a bit of money by doing the whole "tough man" routine, and learning your thai boxing. It's the national sport, and there's a lot of money to be made by being awfully good at it. Having watched the sport itself, there really doesn't seem to be alot to it - as long as you bleed less than your opponent, you'll win eventually. In fact, according to my (vaguely remembered) lonely planet sources, it was only about 2 decades ago that they decided to introduce the concept of padded gloves and protective gear of a sort. So little Ang went through the mill, and came out to be quite the formidable fighter.
I'm afraid I can't recall what his eventual title was when he retired - he was a national champion, or a Bangkok champion, or a champion of some kind. He married, and then went off to phi phi island to become a fisherman. He runs a small boat there, and does some fishing, tourist ferrying and of course, thai boxing lessons. This all went quite well, and he had two children with his wife.
Then the tsunami, as you were all no doubt aware of, struck. Actually, while I was certainly aware of it - I can remember reading about Bali non stop back in Sydney after the boxing day disaster - I really didn't realise where the tsunami hit. Seems that it didn't just hit Indonesia, or India - it also plowed right into Thailand, and among the worst hit islands was koh phi phi. And from the accounts I've read, it was pretty badly hit. Wikipedia, for what it's worth, has the information that the island was hit by TWO waves, one 3 m, and the other 6.5 m, from both sides. And of course, when they say the island, they are referring to the town in the center of phi phi, that takes 10 min to walk across, and has two beaches - one on each side.
Ang was on his boat at the time though - he'd left early to do some fishing, and he described a particularly eerie scene - of the waves being very quiet and calm, and then a large bulge flying past, tossing the boat up and then down. He headed back quickly to phi phi island, and began, with everyone else, the search for his family members. The town was mauled something atrocious - according to wiki, 70% of the buildings were gone. My own lonely planet had the barest of entries for phi phi, as there really wasn't anything for them to write at the time of publication.
When Ang returned he found his children alive and well, however his wife did not make it through the tsunami. He still runs his boat from phi phi, and teaches thai boxing, although his children live on a different island now with some relatives.
Anyway, that's Ang's story - he was a really nice guy, and a great teacher. I had a lot of fun with him, and wish him all the best. He teaches at Carlito's Bar, so if you ever find yourself in phi phi, go and get a lesson. Better yet, buy him a drink and have a chat at the Tiger Bar.

This brings me to why I HAD to leave phi phi island after a week there. The fact was, boxing and cooking aside, I really wasn't getting out what I wanted from the island - it was all swimming and partying at night, and I'd befriended the bar crowd. No discussion of my time there would be complete without mentioning Bell, the dj at Tiger bar, who I really gelled with. I helped him get over rejection from a swedish bar maid (WHY did she tell him when he was drunk? Why???), helped him up some stairs when he passed out from drinking a mixture of alcohol and lighter fluid (he was trying to light his drink. And mine, too, come to think of it. But I'm fine ARF ARF!), and also stopped him calling his mum when he became drunk. Bell works in the Tiger Bar with Toby, who runs it (Toby is from Australia. Or blighty. But he was in Oz, at some stage, anyway), and I should rummage up a photo of that mob somehow...



Bell survived the tsunami by climbing up a palm tree, and holding on for dear life. One of the other bar staff (whose name I can't recall) awoke in the morning, only to find his tv set floating at his feet. Thinking it was a practical joke by his friends, he opens the door, to be hit by a wall of water that smacked him back. He couldn't recall how he got out, he can just remember begin trapped in the room as the water level rose. He did show me one hell of a scar on his chest from where he was hit.

So after my time there, I decided that it would be best for me to run a swift de-tox program, the kind that gets one's health back on track. I head over to koh lanta, and while I'm there I'm introduced to Thai style pricing economics. On the boat over, I'm offered a room for 150 baht - it looks good, and I decide to take it. I later upgrade myself to a 400 baht room, with a fan. I also learn that
a) that's a decent price, some one else at the hotel has it
b) another person on the bus has my room-type at 550 baht
c) someone else EARLIER had that room at 1200 baht a night
d) when booking rooms, talk to everyone in the area to work out what a fair price is, as it's a free for all as far as thailand is concerned.
Koh Lanta is great, by the way. I stayed at a place called the... Lanta Riviera, which was a nice "resort" - we're not talking Hilton stuff here, but it had it's own bar, a pool, a GREAT masseuse, a restaurant - all very nice. The food in the restaurant was good too!

Here's a Lanta Beach:



At koh lanta, I met two couples who I both liked alot. One couple were from Israel, and I can't remember their names to save myself - the guy was a commando trainer in the army (or had been, during his tenure of conscription), and the girl, intelligent as she was, was at a loss as what to do with her life. They were great fun, and I had a lot of laughs with them. Sadly, I only had 2 days in their company before they headed back to Israel.

***** - ok, I can't load this photo, for whatever reason. Pffft. I'll work it out somehow.

The other couple I can remember the names of (I hope), but don't have a photo! Andrew and ... shoot, I can't recall her name! Oh well, Andrew was a pro snow boarder from Canada, and his girlfriend was a beautician (who supported him in the off season). I can clearly recall one night (well, not TOTALLY clearly, but mostly. Foggily, even) where we went out to par-tay in Koh Lanta. Andrew and I trialled out our knowledge (as I think I've already noted) or thai boxing, and he also taught me some stick fighting. It was a pretty darn wild night, but also a lot of fun.

And some more beautiful scenery! This is from a tour around the island I did, and it involves a story of a fish. A brave fish, and me. Me and the Brave Fish. Maybe I should make a new post, that's a catchy title!



The brave fish story? I'm snorkelling, and this little fish - one of those nemo-esque ones, swims straight at me! He goes for me, and I have to wave him away before he hits my snorkel! So he turns back... AND THEN SWIMS AT ME AGAIN! So we repeat the process another 3 times, and then I decide to give bravery it's due reward. I swim off in the other direction - only to feel a small nip on my leg! Yes, that's right - the little blighter has swum up and nipped me on the leg. I get the hell out of there - but I might as well pontificate that the snorkelling in phi phi? Well worth it.

If anyone out there is reading this, and is thinking of hitting phi phi island, sooner the better. It's just getting too packed - and the best time? Say, around when I visited - mid october, at the change over time. Best weather, cheapest prices, not packed!

PHEW!!! Ok, so that's Thailand I taken care of. I've missed packs out, but that's what happens when you let things drag.

Hopefully I can pick up the speed from here on - seeing as I'm sadly working from photos, and they were hardly taken in Malaysia or s'pore, well, that should be quick. But I need a break, and some chocolate right now!

Cheers!

A lot of catching up to do

And I'm not just talking about thailand and camboooodia and vietnam and singapore and other places. I'm talking about the last few days! Even yesterday was action packed. Today hasn't been, yet, all I've done is eat brekkie, but I suppose SOME damn thing will crop up. Maybe I'll see off another peace mission? Maybe I'll engage in stick fighting, or fall in love? I'd really just like to wander the streets of Delhi in a very uneventful way, and then make some snippy comments about litter. But I'm sure that that just won't happen, and I'll be involved in defending the red fort, or getting a photo with Mr Invisible, or something else.
And then I'll have to write it here. What a damnable bore.

Ok, well, while the world works out what ridiculous thing to throw my way (a googly?) I'm going to head onwards with some photos of thailand, because everyone likes photos.

So, here is me on the (hopefully, I'm too lazy to check) James Bond Island. They filmed a JB film here, but let me tell you, JB would never be seen on the JB tour that I went on to go to JB Island. For starters, there was nothing riveting about it - it rained A LOT. I mean, the kind of a lot that makes me part with 20 baht to buy a giant green condom to wear. The kind of giant green condom you're about to see, which, shock and horrors, only kept a small 20c portion of my top dry. Anyway, the giant... thing behind me was some part of a JB movie, I don't know which. It reminds me a bit of Pinkie and the Brain, but for no apparant reason. Actually, that's just because it reminds me of a brain. A brain I'd read in an old Qasar (defender of the galaxy!) comic book.
Old Qasar never got a trick right though, and he was a sloppy gallazy defender. In one episode, he helped a kitten with cosmic powers. In another, he helped some people get home to the right planet. It's crappy stunts like these that our own national defenders do from time to time as publicity and political stunts, but I can't think of whom Qasar was doing the stunts for.

ahem.



Next up, here is me (aka Hannibal) riding an elephant. It's a big elephant, and the guide even gave me his hat and helmet to wear. But that's not the highlight - to me, it's the guide, waving, looking to all the world like he needs a good stiff drink. I can imagine a similar guide-hannibal relationship way back when old 'annibal was doing the tour of the alps. I sadly can't imagine any witty dialogue to go with it though. Let's try:

(This conversation was recently dug up from the archives of a Hannibal's palace diaries. It records a time when Hannibal was done with women and wine, and wanted 'A Goal', the type of goal that all men need to define their lives. Be it making a giant tub to hold rain water, to winning a cricket match, to building houses, all up to invading the capital of civilisation and tearing it down. It's desires like these that have gotten us to where we are today)
37th Moonmon
Had a jolly good idea for an invasion today, hey! Thought for ages and ages on how to get in on the history books. Pompeii did it, and Marcus Anotonius did is, and hell, all anyone can talk about is bloody Julius "every woman's man and every man's woman" Caesar, just because he whipped a few barbarians. I asked my counsul, H Mangoby, for any good ideas, and he said I was going just fine by keeping the boat steady. Not rocking the mango cart, and so on. I tried to further the point.
"I'm fed up of women and song. And wine. I want a goal. I want something to remember me by. Like Ozymandis did. Maybe a war, a war to end all wars. That's the kind of war I want."
"Well, in the fullness of time, in due course, maybe a war would be a good idea, m'laud. But in the meantime, perhaps some poetry? Easy to manage, and you get to look like an enlightened warrior-poet. That's all the fashion right now."
"Buggery to that. Only saps and inconsequentials do that - I'm hardly a warrior-poet when all I've done is written poetry! No, I want to invade Rome! I'm talking a big invasion. I want the hearts and minds behind me, and I want the history books in on it too! Any advice on this one, Mangoby?"
"Wee-el, we could draft up some initial plans, ask the naval and armed advisors for their advice. We'd really need to charter some ships, we could get some of the local shipbuilders making more, that's good for the economy. And we..."
"No! Who cares who invades Rome by ship? I want something classy. Something people will remember, win or lose. I want, well, hell, I want big. Big is bold. I want to invade on the the back's of whales, Mangoby."
"Whales."
"No, Rome! Dammned Mangoby, I want Rome, not Wales. And I want it on the backs of Whales"
"Emperor, maybe now is not the right time to be invading on the back's of whales. We'd need case studies and HR policies on whale riding, that king of thing. I suggest we stick with boats, if at all."
"People try that all the time! But I want something different, something to capture the public's imagination. Something to get me in the history books, you know Mangoby! Wait! What about Elephants!" I was inspired! Elephants are exactly what we can ride on, they are big, and noone's tried to invade Rome like that before. Mangoby, as usual, took my brilliance in his stride. I honestly don't know what's wrong with the man, surely anyone can appreciate the brilliance of
an elephant invasion.
"It's a novel and original idea, Hannibal, but perhaps there are other considerations? That no one's done it before..."
"A mark of my brilliant genius!" I chimed in. The man could deflate Neptune's winds, for god's sake.
"Yes, there is that. There's also that the invasion would..."
(here the diaries trail off. We're forever to wonder how Hannibal convinced everyone that taking warm, jungle animals across an ocean and into the freezing alps to attack the bastion of civilisation worked out)

Ok, that's enough Yes, Hannibal for a day. This is MY blog, not the recounts of the adventures of the Civil Service 2000 years back. Or whenever Hannibal did his thing.

Ah! The photo! Well, here it is:



Next up is me diving! This is a more exciting photo, you can see me bravely braving the, erm, elements. In a brave way. Diving was actually really fun, but in conversations with more and more dive instructors, their job sounds like alot of hard work - alot of the same questions each and every day (how long have you done this? What's it like? When did you start?) and always having to be energetic and whatnot.
Still, from the male-diver's point of view, a fair few of them are just purest lothario. I met one such chap (short, fat, unattractive) on phi-phi island, who after interrogating me to see if I was REALLY Australian, then began bemoaning to me how HARD it was being a diver. How he didn't have any friends, and "sure there are women - I had 4 last week" but that it was still lonely. I felt so sorry I asked him why the hell he was doing the job. He didn't have an answer - he was actually trying to find out if I was trying to hit on a girl in the bar. As it happens, I wasn't - I was quite tired, and just wanted to read the Alchemist and go to bed. If you are ever in a similar situation, but want a pre-bed beer, don't go to the pub with the book. Every girl there will hassle you about it, asking "why aren't you dancing" and talk to you about the book! Cripes alive, to think I ever listend to Neil Strauss, when all I needed was the Alchemist and a deep desire to go to bed!

Oh, here it is, the sexiest photo ever. I expect universal studios to offer me the next Bond position after that blondie with the pectorals has left it (it's actually a good film, but I think I'd be the better Bond, as this photo proves without a doubt - pls notice the BLACK hair)



Next up is me manning the fort at the gay cabaret. The woman in the background isn't, as it happens, a woman at all. Not that I know from any experience, you understand. Just a general feeling. Not that I felt anything, you understand. Ugh. Ok, I think I just ran out of paint. Best leave before someone gives me another bucket of the stuff, eh?



Next up, here is a photo of Eva, a delight whom I met in Phuket, who was from Germany! I know, I struggled to be serious for some time, but it turns out that Germans have a sense of humour! This was most surprising.
She introduced me to Hans, his pet dog Carlos (who was a real cute li'l dog!) and, of course, visited the cabaret. I went waterskiing with her (Eva, not Carlos, nor anyone from the cabaret. Except Eva. But she wasn't from the cabaret per-se, but rather visited it with me. I really must ask that people stop giving me paint!), which was alot of fun. There were waves, and turns, and water, and after about 5 minutes it became dreadfully repetitive. We solved this problem by changing rider and passenger mid-trip, in the middle of the bay!
I must admit, I was a bit (well, I don't HAVE to admit it, no one will shoot me if I don't. Unlike my camera) trepidatious when doing this manouvre. We'd been warned of dire consequences should the jet-ski thing fall into the water, but Eva was, quite frankly, undeterred. I must have come across as a bit of a wet blanket with all my worrying about tipping everything into the water. I think the Germans would've just annexed the beach if anything went wrong!




This is a picture of me, en-route to phi phi. Eva has left by this stage, back to the land of milk and honey (or Germany, whichever), and I'm once again intrepidly trekking out to see the sights of a beach in thailand. On the way I meet up with... ummm... I can't remember their names, but one was from Argentina, and the other was from New Zealand. Both were good company, but I can discuss that when I get their picture!!

Ok, so here I am en route to phi phi!!



Ok, I've added this photo to the top of the blog (well, I'm trying to right now, anyway. I don't know if I will, but if I fail - you'll read about that battle here!) but I thought I'd add it again. Because, hey, it's a good photo! I actually took some great ones of the desert, with a camel silhouetted against the rising sun, but then I lost my memory card in the desert. Or on a bus, I don't know - if I did, it wouldn't be lost, would it? Anyway, it's lost, and so is the photo of the camel. But it was a gem of a photo!



I still can't remember their names! I think the guy was called Adrien, and the girl was called... oh poop, I just can't remember! Let's call her kiwi girl for now. It's a bit odd, but I DID promise to send them the photos that I took at the first chance, which I haven't. I really should have, but hey, that is life, eh? I DO remember having a wild night out with them though, on the first night in phi phi. And boy, was it wild. It was wilder than wild... well, no, that's just silly.
We drank some alcohol, had some tequilas, danced, did some mock-boxing, and pretty soon BAM! I'm left trying to work out exactly where the hell the place we are staying is! Phi phi island is, let me say, small. It's not more than about 10 min walk from one end of the town to the other. Nonetheless, on your first night there, there are better things to be doing than being seperated and trying to work out where the heck your place of stay is. I was tired, hell, I was very very tired, and I'd wandered up and down that island a few times, and was just about to curl up and fall asleep on the side of the road when, with the music from the archangel gabriel, and the lights of all the heavenly host, I look up and see my place! I can't describe h ow delicious a sight it was without saying that I can't describe it, and maybe using some metaphors from religious texts. Good sight.
I get back in and, as I'm sharing with Adrien and the Kiwi, there's the delightful look of vomit all around the bathroom. It's Adrien's, and he's worried that I'm going to beat him up over it, or something. I figure that it's best to just collapse on my bed while he apologises.
In the morning, I wake up and go for a swim. I'm quite the sight, by the way, in my speedos, but that's a photo for another day. Maybe today though. We'll see how far I get. After the swim, I manage to step on a see urchin, which is dashedly painful! I don't realise this until later though, when I'm doing the thai cooking class. Meanwhile, on returning, Adrien has, in fact, cleaned up the bathroom much to everyone's relief, and so with a quick "good morning" I dash off to my cooking course!



Just a brief outline of the cooking course - it was taught by a guy called Didi, who was actually called Damien. But "Di" in thai means good, and so "didi" means REALLY good, and everyone on the island quite liked him. Hence the name. I learnt alot from that cooking course, only I also forgot alot. Later on, I tried out my chef skills twice, with varied success - my cousins Lavanya and Sri-Pathy were excellent kitchen hands cum chefs, and helped make the first attempt a real success. I think the second time I tried the cooking at Vasan's house was less of a success, and more a learning curve experience. Anyway, here I am at the end of a day's cooking!



Ok, well, that wasn't much catching up at all! I haven't even COVERED what happened over the last few days. But I'm going to head out now and do some other things (like have a boring day - please please!), and when I get back, there will be more awaiting!

Much more!

than meets the eye!

And... cut!

Ok, that's the end of the photo posting here in india for a while. My camera is totally shot. Well, no, no one actually pulled my camera out, made a biased case against it and then summarily shot it at dawn. At least, I don't think they did, there are no bullet holes. Maybe they missed and gave it a heart attack? I don't know.
Whatever, my camera makes a wee buzzing sound whenever you turn it on (and to think there are women out there who are turned on by wee buzzing sou... oh forget it. This is a family blog)

Anyway, the state of internet here in Ahmedabad is quite... dire. It's a sticky wicket, really. Even a sticky keyboard. That's right, despite the signs on all the internet cafe's helpfully advising:
"Please do not be viewing the porn on the internet, it will be getting us into the trouble", the computer I was haplessly bundled to last night had a plethora of, erm, tasteful images scattered across it. Man of the WORLD that I am, I can brave such dangers, but the presence of a dirty, sticky keyboard (and acoompanying dirty, immovable mouse) was more than enough to shake my Camboooodia-proof nerves.

Also, in a show of good faith, it would appear that the google web logging analyser as decided that no one ever looks at this blog for any reason. Not even the google bots! Which is disheartening, especially when I know *I* look at this blog daily to find out what I am doing. I think, "oh look, today I went and saw some caves and other things, how very exciting".
It's the little things, like keeping in touch with yourself when you are travelling alone, that keep you sane. SANE I say.

ahem

Sanity aside, here's what I've done for the past few days. And then a super-quck summery of thailand. I've just noticed that the dude next to me is quite happily tucking into some porn before dinner, with the headphones and even some odd grunting! Both hands are on the table though (his. Mine are too though, I should hasten to add)which is... well, weird. It really doesn't explain the grunting, but it's a mystery that will have to remain so.

Yesterday I:
Arrived in ahmedabad, a city that was once "the Manchester of India", which is a cultural reference I don't fully understand. To follow through, I looked up Manchester on wikipedia. I'm assuming that either they make cotton, abandoned Ahmedabad in the dark ages, or have two rival soccer teams here. I'm banking on the "abandoned" option. ok, that wasn't the laugh a riot I was hoping it to be. I don't know, I was hoping wiki would warble on about percentages of indians in Manchester or something. But this is interesting:

Once characterised by dusty roads and bungalows, the city is witnessing a major construction boom and population increase. A rising centre of education, information technology and scientific industries, Ahmedabad remains the cultural and commercial heart of Gujarat, and much of western India. Since 2000, the city has been transformed through the construction of skyscrapers, shopping malls and multiplexes.[3] However, this progress has been marred by natural calamities, political instability and outbreaks of communal violence.

Ok, don't know what wiki's definition of a "skyscraper" is, and maybe I've spent too much time looking where I'm going to aboid stepping on dung or a dead dog when wandering the streets, but the highest building has hardly been more than 6 storeys. Maybe giving the sky a gentle rub, perhaps a file? I don't think "skyfilers" has the same gravity though. In any event, it's still dusty roads. And bookstores - endless study books for the next generation of young indians to read. All of which are programming books - if you're in IT and are reading this (and you should REALLY be working, who knows when the printer will crash, or what reports need to be made, or when Middo will strike?) - then you should be aware that every indian child that isn't selling books on the street is gunning for your job. Gun back, I say. But they have some pretty strong views on those kinds of shenanigans here.
In the article aboves defence, the building I'm not in is a multiplex. It has both an internet cafe, a small food store AND a mobile repair shop. I think I'm in the fashionable area.

Oh! What did I see today? Well, yesterday I met up with an American girl (different one, this one being called Kim) who is travelling with an American Art School (from Rhode island?) around india to, I don't know, draw stuff? I bumped into her and her friends in mumbai at the elephanta caves, had dinner with them in Mumbai, and quite by chance have bumped into them here again! Kim's been here for a few days, and had the afternoon off from drawing, so we grabbed some food and she pointed out the areas here I should see, and the places that aren't worth the effort. Thanks Kim! She was also lewdly stared at when we decided to go to the markets, so we hurried back to the restaurant and spent the evening there.
We ate some quite a-grade food here, there's a nice place called "House of MG" which is a-grade, and i'm saving a bit on account of my room costing a bare-nuckle 150 rupees a night. I know, but there were no weevils in the tiolet paper (there WAS no toilet paper, and who needs it when you have a squat toilet anyway, eh?) and i even have tv! I drifted off to sleep while indians danced in circles on the telle. The place is called "Rupali House" and is really decent.

Ummm... ok, next up, I saw today a well that was 5 or 6 stories underground (really cool, I have no photos as camera is shot, well, no, no one actually pulled my camera out, made a biased case against it and then summ... oh i did that already) and a, ah, mosque with 2 minarets that shake. Only you can't shake them yourself anymore. So I saw a mosque with 2 minarets. But apparantly, if you shake one, the other shakes in harmony. I don't know how you shake it as it's made of sandstone, and about 5m in diameter. But there you are.

Ok!

I promised stories of thailand and dying on boats, but I really want to throw on camera photos, which I can't do! But here, let me quickly summerise Thailand:

Met some military soldiers, and enquired about tanks. Military thai types don't speak english though, and certainly don't know what tanks are. They were probably wondering why I wanted them to thank me. Anyway, I get on the idea to wave my left are stiff out infront of me, supported by my right arm, and scream "Boom! Boom!" which of course they understand to mean that I am completely mad. One of them eventually twigs though, and after 10 thai soldiers stop laughing/running around going "Boom! Boom!" they explain that:
"Boom boom is gone. Boom boom go fix, come back t-moorow. You no see boom boom tonight, is not here."
I am later offered to get some "boom boom" by a taxi driver, but I patiently explain to him that that's not possible, as "boom boom" needs to be fixed, maybe tomorrow. Guy gave me the weirdest stare.

Phuket:
I learn to dive (and boy, is there a sizzler of me in a dive uniform). Diving is wild fun, and while the air pressure kills, I really recommend it. I went on an overnight boat for the actual dives in the open water, saw some fish, coral, nearly squashed a small fish, nearly drowned... oh wait, let's do that story, eh?
Nothing can capture the magic of being surrouded by a school of fish underwater (except by being there, I suppose), it's at once peaceful, lively and just down right wonderful. It's like being in an aquarium only more so. Nothing can also capture the feeling of swimming around your boat, only to get caught by a tide and pulled backwards, and then, just when you are exhausted but with enough energy to finish the swim, some ass parks their boat 10m from you.
Boom! I'm caught by the wake of the boat, thrown against the side of my boat.
Bang! I'm scrabbling with my hands to not be swept UNDER the boat by the waves, and I'm echausted. And finally, when I regain myself, I see that my hands are just dripping in blood, as they've been merrily cut open by the barnacles on the side of the boat.
I signal for help, and am picked up by our raft boat and brought ashore. Ok, no flashbacks (aside from doing this blog) but it wasn't very fun.

Phuket:
I meet a nice german girl called Eva, and she is here visiting Hans, a friend from Germant. Hans is gay, by the way, so we go out that night to a gay cabaret show. It's actually really fun! I man the spotlight for a bit, there are energetic drag queens lip synching (that was a let down) songs, and at the end, all these little thai boys run out on stage in white undies with numbers on them! You can pick a boy, apparantly, and he'll come home with you.
Well, I didn't need anyone to carry my shopping bags, so I passed on the offer, and anyway those boys would have looked mighty strange carrying bags down the street in numbered undies, but that's thailand. I was later told by one of Hans' friends that not all the boys were gay, which was an interesting fact. Food for thought, really.

Phi Phi:
I learn thai kick boxing, hang out with the locals at the bars and clubs, drink with the locals at the bars and clubs, help carry up one of the locals after he passes out (we stop him from calling his mum) - oh c'mon, I'm not doing phi phi justice here. I'm going to have to post those photos - it's really the most gorgeous place you could visit, tropical, beachy, friendly, if you haven't been to phi phi you are missing out.

Koh Lanta:
Drunken stick fighting, a motor bike incident, cheap eating and good fun! Ok, I'm going to HAVE to post photos.

I know in the past I haven't, and this is a good indicator of the future, but then again Terminator 3 came out, and there is NO REASON for that film to have logically been made, so who knows, eh?

Thailand tales, because I only read books today

So, in this post:
I will disuss what I did today (read a book, called "one night @ the call centre" by Chetan Bhagat, which was an excellent read. Very humourous, I'm sure you will enjoy it. I also started on another Chetan Bahgat book, "5 point someone", and then I bought some groceries for my hostess, and I ate some italian ice cream. Top notch stuff, and only 3 aussie for 2 big scoops? Bargain! Oh, and I'm drinking a shandy. And about to go to a train station to book a ticket) - oh look, I just did that. Ok, then, what else will happen here?

I will briefly summerise Indian Trains: Cold.

I will now, finally, finish off bangkok, and even add some photos! They are a pain to add though, but will be worth it. God, if only I could have done my thesis with photos, the word count would have been huge.

When I say Bangkok, by the way, I mean the Bangkok that I visited wa-aa-ay back in October of '06. This is early days in the round the world trip. Actually, I should probably put WHERE I've been, and where I'm going on a side bar here, huh? Now THAT'S the kind of proactive leadership that combines passion, talent, conscience and need to create the rigth voice. Yeah, I know, the 8th Habit. High Five all you converts out there!
The rest of you can wonder what I am on about.

Right. Long post here kiddies, I'm covering one action-packed day (a pretty good value-for-money tour actully) here, so strap on your seat belts and get ready to be excited!

Ok - so bangkok! Circa early October - the 5th? It's the next day after the boat ride (see post #7 - "Further Travels in Bangkok"), and it's before 6 in the morning. It's pretty hairy, waking up this early, as I've only had a few hours sleep. I learnt an important lesson the previous night though, but that's a story for another day. It's a good story though, the type of story that's sung by campfires in the states, and around thebillabong tree in Oz. The kind of story that makes a man man, not one of those she men who pluck their eyebrows and wear scarves. The kind of story that almost makes a britisher a man, y'know? I've awoken early to get to Beth's hotel in time for the tour I'd agreed to go on. I'm not feeling up to it, to be honest, but I'd hate myself if I slept in and did nothing for the rest of the day - and the tour was well worth it. But it was still tough, ok?

I struggle up, content in the knowledge that a lesson has been learned from last night, but incontent in the knowledge that I have to get dressed and ready in a short time, and then make my way to the Hotel that Beth is at to go and do this trip. There's always a bit of a worry when I get anywhere and there are no buses waiting to take me to wherever this trip is. That's exactly how I feel when I get to the hotel, and there are no tour buses, no Beth, only some disinterested hotel staff. I eventually gather the bus is running late. However, I can spend the time sitting in a comfy hotel lounge, listening to the advice of Neil.
Neil is, incidentally, the obi-wan style pick up master I met on the desert plains of totoonie. He's incorporeal, with a hue of orange about him today. He gives me the day's run down:
"The trick is, Andrew, to throw out a neg. See, a neg is when you give the woman a complement, and at the same time an insult. We're trying to unbalance women from their comfort zones - you are going to become the unattainable one here, and she has to work for your approval!
A good idea for a neg might be, let's see now - you're looking good for someone who's had to get dressed quickly in the morning! See, the casual mention of get dressed quick makes her realise that she's nicely presented, but no so good to cover up the quickly getting dressed ness. Now, pull that one off, and then we can work on talking to her about mental communication, body language and other crap that women like to discuss."
Neil has an appealing honesty about his disdain for the female mind, but I can't really appreciate it as much as I should. Still, he's my mentor, and he thinks I could be a fast learner at this stuff, so I listen. He really doesn't come out on photos though.

Beth comes down.
"Hi Beth, you are looking nice..." I stumble, can I really push out a neg? I can't... my nerves fail. And she does look nice, even by evening standards.
"Why, thank you! But that tour bus is running late, we should really check out when they're planning on getting here!"
In the back ground, Neil is miming looking for my balls. He's apparantly having some difficulty locating them, and thinks they've disappeared under a table. What I have to appreciate is how he can mime what he's looking for. He's talented like that.

So the bus arrives, and I try and work out what, exactly, I've shelled out my money to see. Some ruins - this is still early days in the trip, incidentally, and ruins are Cool. Later on, I come to the conclusion that ruins are just sloppy building and maintainance, probably blamable on unionisation and a lack of work ethic in the poor. Or was that something I read from a Liberal Party flier? I can't remember!
Our bus has, amongst the usual crew of couples (something that has put me off doing tours for the rest of the journey is the seemingly inescapable fact that single people don't seem to do them. They are all couples and families) a talkative "guide". This guy, he can kill a rock. Here's an ablib and entirely made up quote from him, which nonetheless summerises him well enough:
"1250 the city haaaad a crises, and 1252 the crises over. They plant trees in city in 1253, and by 1254 they flowers. They crises is not so good, but not know what.
We now driving on bridge build in 1757. Is good bridge, you wan picture you too late, bridge gone. You be faster with picture. But we drive near fence, is up in 1907, is first fence they put up on tha' spot, you get picture, is make good picture you send and people like."

Beth and I share a chuckle about the guide and his fascination with dates, and the fact that it is very boring. And his voice is loud, boomed over speakers throughout the air conditioned bus. Which, incidentally, you can't turn off - the air con that is. So it's cold and loud, like a drunk model, and Neil is making gestures at me as to what moves to pull next. I'm sitting working out if maybe a hand massage, or a hand around the neck, or even a compliment would work. Neil, bless his heart of gold, is making more complicated gestures, that are kinda muddled as he's incorporeal anyway, so half the time I'm just looking at the back of someone's head while his hand is doing god knows what in there. I think I'm meant to pass a ball somewhere. He gives up and goes looking for my brain after a bit (GREAT mime, let me tell you) which leaves me alone with Beth.
Summing up my herculean suaveness, I turn and say:
"God, I hate this aircon. It's totally freezing me, and I'm sleepy but I shouldn't sleep, as I've got contacts in." That's an ok starter, right? I mean, yankees like to complain, so I'm setting up a good platform!
"Yeah, I'm exhausted too - late night with the dance group. They like to party at night..." Beth is a pro dancer with a dance company that has come to dance for the Thai King's anniversary of his coronation. It's a pretty cool job, and beats the pants off "software engineer" - I'd try it myself, but I can't see people believing it. Me being an american dancer, not a software engineer.
So we settle into a leisurely, enjoyable conversation, although we do have to duck to the back of the bus (Neil applauded!) to avoid angry glares from boring types who like the history of fences and stuff.

So we get... somewhere... I can't recall where, and I take these photos i'm posting on now!
Oh, and I don't have my guidebook for thailand anymore, so I'll just make stuff up and splice it with some dates and maybe facts. It's not total rubbish, but don't take the chance in who wants to be a millionaire with this stuff, ok?

Oh, wait, before I go on about wherever we were (it was the king's holiday home, and once every year he parties there. And meets and greets. It had really nice topiary), let me just show you some snaps Wat Pho and Khao San road that I took! I know, I know, no NO ONE knows what day it is - but to try and be lucid:
the following are from the day previous to what I've been describing - they are photos that should have been added to a previous blog (post 7,
Further Travels in Bangkok"), but weren't at the time as I was lazy, and won't be now because no one will see them!

So, here is the reclining buddha or Wat Pho. And me, I'm in this too. The Buddha is always shown reclining because, at the end of the day, he was a moderately lazy chap. He also sits alot. I've never seen him running, and this is all probably to do with the whole "desire causes strife, strife leads to fear, fear leads to anger... " and if you don't know where THAT was going then shame on you.
Funny how karate and The Art of Really Hurting People started off from a religeon whose leader never did much more than relax under trees, huh? Proactive management from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Iron Age Edition) must have been used.
Stuff like:
"A good leader whips his people until they do stuff. And then blames local failures on the whimsicle nature of the gods, who the people haven't given enough to."
Ummm... ok, I lost myself there. Oh, wait! The reclining Buddha!

Here he is:



Next up, is a photo of me showing the locals how to cook a REAL banana pancake. Those things are like ambrosia (or a trip to the local hospi'al if you are diabetic) by the way.
I'm not sure if the woman really understood what I was doing - it was all me:
"I cook, she click-click, you ok, good?"
and the cook:
"You wan buy pan-cake? Is goo' pan-cake, is bes' in all thailan'."
and me:
"I click-click, you good-good?"



And NOW, here I am, back to describing the day's events (the one on the bus. I know, time travel makes me ill and queasy too). The whole "I'm on a bus trip with Beth and Neil and other people seeing stuff" day. I know, I know, I should make this clearer - but you're all smart people (and gentle. Remember the javascript!) so can figure it out.
The king's holiday home is a lush affair, all topiary and thai guards and buildings and lakes. So here is me and some elephants in the grounds:

*** ok, I can't upload this photo. I'll try later. Sorry! It's really just this photo though. Weird.

Ok, then we climbed up a tower and saw more nice stuff. It was really quite a "I'm in the lobby of a Hilton Hotel in Dubai" kind of experience, this king's holiday home. Oh! Here is a photo of Beth and I at the top of a tower! Beth is the one on the viewer's right.



Ok, actually this blog writing is alot easier when I can just bounce from photo to photo! Oh, and the flower in Beth's hair? TOTALLY my idea. Appiration Neil had buggered off and was helping a Kiwi pull some moves on some sheep. So I pluck some courage (and, of course, a flower) and proffer it to her. I know, I felt pretty silly doing it (all this romancin' stuff ain't easy for us guys!) - I was expecting Richard Gere himself to come out and shake his head at me. But she appreciated the gesture, and the whole point was to make her feel appreciated and lovely (not too hard) so that was all ok.

As we were leaving, we saw a Thai style changing of the guard. Honestly, the perfection shown by these guys leaves the rest of the world in their wake.



We then went up north or south to a series of ruins somewhere else. They were nice ruins, the kind that people like to see, and I had a run in with some pigeons. But other than that, well, what to say?



As to Beth - we're now discussing past relationships, and what she does in the states and so on. I'm building up to maybe some eye looking, but this is hard. She seems to be immensly preoccupied with taking photos of stuff in general. I know a bit of body language, and am constantly analysing which ways her legs point when she crosses them, arm direction etc. It's a tough game (and one I've since learnt to just completely ignore, because I have no idea about it), and the signals are mixed. The kind of mixed signals that cause airplanes to crash.
Neil (appiration mode still) is getting drunk on some appiration beers.

Anyway, the next thing we see is ANOTHER big, reclining Buddha. This one is real big - he used to be in a building back in the age of the ancients, but the building is long gone now. I'm fed up of buddhas too. I can't stand them - not just the two you've seen, but bangkok is chockers with them, and stalls have them, and really, it's a little much. Sure, they do stone carving, but I think at some level they're just showing off that they can carve a mean statue.



Oh! Calamities! I've got to hand back this computer, to my hostess so that she can organise some stuff! So here it is, just in case I don't get the urge to blog in an hour or so.

* * *

Ok, let's finish off this day, because it's a big one, and there is more to add!

Ummm... oh yeah! So, after the buddha (and after a monk gleefully pointed out to me that I was wandering around with my fly undone), we go to a boat, for a ride back to Bangkok. It's a really fun ride, all Heart of Darkness-y. I even say this to Beth, because she's read some books (I know! Americans CAN read more than menus!) and as it happens, one of them is even HOD.
We're onto conversations about life in general, and she's describing her life in the states - all work, work work work, and not much money for it.
"I have a hard life, Andrew" she says. As we sup on cocktails, relaxing on deck chairs, cruising down a river, on either side of which are stilit houses with impoverished, rag wearing people looking out.
Beside me, Neil has given up, and is reminiscing about women he's picked up "like that!" It's a hard life, alright.
Here is a photo of the sea and me, driving the boat! I am even wearing a hat, which is a must when you drive a boat. I totally moved that big steering wheel too. But just a bit, I didn't want to hit a rock and die.

Oh wait, I'll add the photos later on today. But for now, be content that they exist. And they rock.

What else happens? We finish the tour, Beth and I grab a cocktail at some extra swank bar, and I put on my fancy move shoes (these are not real, by the way. This is a literary method, known as a metaphor) to bust a move. Neil has long since departed with some crappy star wars rip off line, and I'm left with all I can give, honest praise and a happy smile.
She's energised me in a way that only a few (ok, a couple to be technical) have in the past. I can't describe the feeling. I could work for hours - here, let me get all poetical to brush up on my literary skills:

The vastness of life, spread out like the desert, collapses down to reveal a great canyon,
a river flowing through it that pulsates with blue electricity.
You could curl there, on an island by the river,
for ever
- the desert above freezes, but you are warm.

Ok, that's the last I try anything literary. I feel ridiculous.

I lean forward, it's time to use Neil's kick ass, no failure line.
"Would you like to kiss?" I ask. I am appearing as nochalent as you can when you really aren't nochalent at all. More like non-plussed.
He claimed a 100% success rate with this one. When you combine it with the theory. But screw theory, I'm not listening to a drunk american appirition.
She gives a honey-sweet smile, the kind that flowers spring from, and for a moment I feel like hugging Neil, with all his crap theories. It's home run season.
"I'd like to, really." she says. I... what?? That's not how the Neil Strauss script runs.
"But I have a boyfriend back in the states. I'm sorry, but I can't. We should meet up when you get to NYC though, it would be a real blast."

Damn.

God, I bet you guys thought there would be ac-SHUN in this blog, eh? About time and all that, eh? Well, you were wrong, dammit. Eternal optimist that I am, though, I'm sure something will turn up!

Next blog!
Boom Boom! (No, not that kind)
Phuket and diving and nearly dying!
Germans! Gay ones! Cabarets! Gay ones!
Phi Phi island!
What more could you want in a blog?
(don't answer that last question - it is rhetorical. Which means I am arrogant and don't care for your opinion, I have already formed it for you, and am telling you by asking you a question. That is how good I am. I ask questions and give answers. Just like Socrates did. Only mama iyer's li'l boy ain't drinking no hemlock, no siree)

Pictures!

I thought I should add some photos in, just in case people sitting in offices with half views of water or buildings get too comfy on bright sunny days. If you do, you can look at these photos and think "wow, I'm not there, but Andrew is. I wish I was Andrew." Except you can't be, because I am, and this is my blog, and you aren't writing it, are you? Nope, I'm pretty sure there are no entries here that read:
"I'm bored in my office today, and I have alot of work to do and the only relief I get is reading Andrew's notoriously un-updated blog. Gosh, I wonder what that growth on my toe is, maybe I should see a doctor - oh wait, I can't, I'm working. Oh well, let me live vicariously through Andrew and see what he is doing. He doesn't have weird growths on his toe"
Nope, aside from the entry above, (and that was by me, only I was pretending to be you, I don't have any weird growths, and nor am I in an office of any sort) there are no entries like that here. There are plenty of entries un-like that below. For instance, this photo is of a monkey that didn't mug me, but must have mugged someone else.
Or maybe it bought the drink with it's own money?



And then there is a goat I saw.




I think the goat put the missing lottery ticket into the bin, and is trying to get it out. Either that, or the damn fool thinks he's Winnie the Pooh. In any event, if you like goats, you should tell all your friends about this photo, and then get them to send me money! No, really. I mean it. All that lottery stuff is me joking, the goat was trying to get at a corn cob. And, goshdarnit, I fought that goat for the corn cob that was in the bin 10 seconds after the photo. Kicked his ass too. That's what my life is now, a never ending battle with the local wildlife to get food. It's Cambooodia all over again.

Also, here is one of the statues in the Ellora caves. I'd love to tell you all more about these fine things, but I really have to get some sleep. It's the only thing that keeps the hunger away.
What I like most about this depiction of (i think) Shiva and his wife Parvati, is old man Shiva's grip on Parvati. Check out the bottom right, if you are too dulled by your computer screen to see what's a going on.




Here is a bit of a castle at a fort I visited called Daulatanbarg, or something very close in spelling that may be corrected tomorrow morning. Pretty much, without re-reading my lonely planet, this fort was built in the 1100s, and a maharaja decided that it was so fly, he'd force march THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF DELHI DOWN SOME 200 km JUST TO LIVE IN THIS FORT. What a fun guy. Embracing the best aspects of dodgy middle management, when the fort proved to be less than a success, he then forced marched all the people (those who survived the march down, anyway) back up.
I think he thought he was the Grand old Duke of Yorke! Only he had a half million men, not 10,000. Either that, or he'd been empowered by the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (middle ages edition).
The fort is, needless to say, alot bigger than the mini tower I've shown here. It's got many square kilometers inside, so many that I can't remember, and I can remember pi to 3 decimal places. There's a pink tower (to victory!) and the doors all have little spikes on them. This is to apparantly stop elephants charging the doors. I'd have thought a few mice might've worked, but hey...
The centerpiece is the central tower, which is actually built into a 200m high hill, that the fort proper surrounds. I never thought to take a photo, and I didn't climb this tower (the smell of bat feces was overpowering, and I had a blocked nose!) so you will have to make do with your imagination.
Anyway, with all these battlements, cannons, towers and elephant stopping doors, the fort was eventually captured in the traditional indian way. The door guard was bribed.

Oh! And here is the mini tower of the fort of Daulatanberg (sp).



Then there is the emperor Aurangzeb, who battled the evil Wizard Huchiwannawhip WhipitWhi PitGhud for rule over the rights to Harry Potter. Or something. He was the last "great" mughol emperor, which I suppose is like being a great uncle or a great aunt, in that he have the mughols sweeties and played hungry hungry hippos with them even after a big night out and only arriving back home at 7am. What a top bloke, and he did this with all the mughols too!
Anyway, he's buried in Kaulitawasteoftimebad, where again I'm unsure of the spelling. But it's a small town, and on entering to see the tomb everyone had a sob story to tell me for mney ("I'm blind", "I'm armless", "I'm just a priest", "I was born with no tongue") whatever, I gave the last "great" mughol emperor some spare rupees as a sign of respect and walked out.

Here he is, in all his glory!



Next up, check this out:



This isn't the Taj Mahal. It was built, similarly to the Taj, by a maharajah for his wife, only this dude built it down in Aurangabad (named after Aurangzeb, and which is where I stayed for 2 nights). It is called the Bibqu-Al-Biqba or something, again, lonely planet will be checked tomorrow. But it's a small affair, and is ofter referred to as "The poor man's Taj". The building itself is actually pretty cool, but because the design and layout and colour are so simple, well, the comparisons are obvious.

Tomorrow (or today):
the further adventures of thailand!
what else have I seen in India!
more a-grade photos!

PS I'd check out that toe, it sounds ugly.

He'll bite you, you know

Again, still not feeling top-notch. However, I am ready to be moving on from beautiful mumbai on to aurangabad to see the ellora caves.

As to what happened today:

I saw some caves, with Vishnu being the main star. They are pretty cool, there's V. doing the dance of eternity, beating on a demon, marrying Parvati (his consort/wife), apparantly cheating in dice and upsetting his wife (who then kicks their son as retribution, nice parenting skills!) and looking very serene. I'd post up some of these images... oh, why not, eh? I can even work out how to get them in good sizes now, programming MAESTRO that I am now.

Other things that happened:
So here I am, in the elephant caves island, which is a one hour boat ride (I got a delux boat, I'm not sure what was delux about it, but let's just say the qe2 ain't getting any competition from this one... quite frankly, a raft isn't getting too bothered either), from Mumbai. On arriving, I meet up with some people and agree to go to the temples (that last bit was a no-brainer). On the way, I become distracted by talking to some locals, so my companions go off ahead. Undeterred, I buy a drink (fanta) and head on up the mountain.
It was there that I meet my Mountbatten, my Waterloo, in the form of a monkey. I know, it's a little undramatic, eh? As I walk up, I see a little monkey run up and jump in front of me, looking expectantly upwards. So I look expectantly downwards - what could the monkey want? Maybe a smile? I don't know!
Anyway, so the monkey is there, and I am here, and this lady sees me looking expectantly at this monkey.
"He'll bite you, you know" she says, sagely.
I try and nod in an equally sagacious manner, but fail, as I'm also looking expectant. The end result is the kind of nodding face you get before a really big sneeze.
"The monkey. He wants your drink. I'd give it to him - they bite, and there are no doctors here. If you can get away, that's good, but it will be hard." More sage advice.
Well, I weigh up my options - on the one hand, the monkey is now standing on hindlegs, arms stretched up like a Cambodian wanting money, and occaisionly jumping up and down at my bobbing and weaving hand. And I want that drink.
On the other hand, it is only 25 rupees (less than an aussie dollar), and I really could do without the whole rabies vaccine for this trip. It's a tough call, but the monkey wins (although, secretly, I've been harbouring day dreams about kicking the monkey away with a good thai-roundhouse when he jumps in the air, and then maybe fighting some more avenging monkeys. This all leads to a battle with the monkey chief, and me winning and becoming the king of the monkeys on Elephant island. It becomes a little hazy there on, but sure with enough monkeys and laptops I can make up a better algorithm for searching for crap on the internet, and take on google), and I grudgingly throw the can away for the monkey to drink out of (i'd opened it earlier).

I really wanted to get a film of me being mugged by the monkey, but I don't know if the monkey might have gone for the camera too. Maybe the little bastards are running an e-bay site and selling off stuff they've stolen from tourists. I don't know how they'd advertise the site - probably with:

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this damned spot.
To be making like the beast with two backs,
cheep cheep.

But there you are, my monkey adventures. Oh! And I saw a goat try and be winnie the pooh. Good stuff, goat. I wanted to make a pithy comment about business and hiding in rubbish bins, but I"ll leave that to you.

I'll add the photos tomorrow!
And maybe the further stories of thailand!

Maybe the elephant caves, maybe a story of temples?

Or maybe I'm just going to write the word babble here a few times.

Babble babble babble. Babble babble. BABBLE babble ba-ba-ba-babble. Sorry, I have a stutter.

Ok, that's it from me today - but that last post? I misspelt religion, adding an e instead of the second i. I suppose the old "i before e except af... no, that doesn't work at all. And I don't know where to end the quote either. Ok, let's end it here:" ...

I'll add more stuff here later!

In the meantime, here is a gigantic white block of space. Feel free to write whatever you want in it, hey, you can even write what happened to me the next day in the caves! Make sure to add fairly predictable jokes, and keep up the Neil Strauss running gag, I'm sure I will!























































Ok, I hope you enjoyed your (my) story! And why not read the next post down too, so you can find out what zanyness occurred in wat pho?

I just added some counters to the very bottom of the page! They do not work though, but you can have a look at my poor skills in coding a blog if you want.

Further travels in Bangkok

Synopsis:
What I did today
What I did for the next few days way back in Bangkok (early October)

What I did today: felt tired and run down, am feeling better now, but still in the mood for an early night! Gosh, me being sick must make for excellent reading. My hostess, the lovely Mrs Devika, helped me buy some goods I needed later on, after making me an oh-so-tasty soup for brekkie. I bought some books and haggled with the garment salesmen on garment-salesman-road. Fun.
Oh, why not let you know what I am reading - currently the 8th habit, by Steven Covey. I don't know what the 7 habits preceeding it are, but I am sure they are very nice, just not so nice as the 8th. I've read the blurb, and I'm not sure what it is, but am pretty sure it isn't daily blog writing. But it may be, who knows?

Ok! So that has handled today (and I drank cocnut milk!) so let's look at early October, the first few days of thailand. Again, I'm afraid I'm not in the mood for any short-story writing, especially ones with ba-aaa-ad motifs, so I'll stick to my plainer style.

Thailand! Ok, so where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the stupas. Good fun things they are too, if too many of them. There are also statues of which I will post a picture, and there is me making ridiculous poses in front of aforementioned statues, which I will post too!
And that brings us to the giant gold buddha statue. Actually, no, it brings us to me meeting a nice American girl called Beth, who happily took some photos of me making the silly faces in front of the statues. And then I took one of her, only her viewfinder was broken, which caused the various thai peoples we met later on much consternation as to how the camera actually worked. But there you are.
So after a mild conversation (where are you from? Oh! America! I am off this way now), I see the giant golden reclining Buddha, and the giant golden sitting Buddha, and I start thinking about the big questions in life. The ones that people can't answer, like, "why are we here?" And "why ask why?" And "why ask why ask why?", and if you didn't see that last one coming then you really aren't getting into the swing of my thought processes, are you?
Anyhoo, I meet a thai dude who tells me... wait! I've forgotten to tell you all about the chief abbot of Wat Pho! I leave the Pho, see, and on the way out, this thai guy walks up and asks me if I'd like to see the chief abbot. Well, he really says:
"you wan' see chief abbo'? He religious man!" which how can any sane tourist say no to? So I get shown into the main monk-place (which some people call a monastery) and to the room of the chief abbot! He's sitting cross-legged on his seat, apparantly he's been like that for some time, and I sit down inf front of him cross legged, caring to not point me feet at him (because thais don't like that, doncher know?).
The abbot politely asks me where I'm from ("sydney!" - "ahhh, Sydney") and after that sparkling conversation he flicks some water at me, and then waves some red jos sticks around over me. All the while he is saying a little prayer (in thai) and bobbing back and forth. I'm meanwhile sitting there soaking up the religious-osity of it all, and with a final flick of his wrists he is done!
He ties this thai bracelet around my right hand, with 5 little white balls on it. The bracelet itself is made of intertwining red, green and yellow string, and I am quite fond of it. In fact, I still am wearing it now. The yellow string tying it (along with the green and red ones) has broken a bit, but it's still lasting the distance! oooh, touch wood!) He tells me this is a blessed bracelet, and that "you no be harmed, ahh?" which is very reassuring.
So I nod my head in what I hope is a kind of religious kinship nod, showing both respect for elders and respect for religion, and shift myself to get up. But the chief abbo' has another offer... he pulls from under his seat a tray - a tray unlike any other, it would seem. For in this wooden tray are enough lucky charms to keep anyone in a lifestimes supply of women, money and health.
"This wan" he explains to me, helpfully jabbing a finger at a picture of what appears to be a dancing elephant, "this wan, this get you much fortune. You be lucky man wit' this wan. This, for you is only 1000 baht."
"And this wan, this wan you get all'a women. You get women all'a time wit' this wan, is very popular to get. I see you, I see you like this wan. This wan, so good is only 2000 baht."
"And this wan, you get healthy. You be strong and virile, you need this wan if you get other wan!" This one seems to have a rhino, looking quite healthy, but I really can't remember.
"This wan, this wan is ve'y good for you. This wan is both for the women and the health, you know? This wan, is combination, but is not so expensive. You good man, I give you this wan for a good deal. You get this wan, you get for 3500 baht, ahh?"
Now the patented Andrew Bullshit (TM) Meter is rising at a steady rate. The first thought that crossed my mind was to haggle with this dude (he's now, incidentally, teling me about what can only be surmised as "the one amulet to rule them all" that gives powers of seduction, luck, money, health and other stuff), but not even I can bring myself to haggle with the cheif abbo' of wat pho. I also don't want to die death by monk, so I quickly make my excuses ("I am so, so, so sorry. I just don't have more than a few hundred baht on me") and he expresses his understanding ("is 'kay"). As I get up to leave, my helpful guide makes a suggestion - "Maybe you geeve donatiun?" so I give the chief 100 baht, and then get out of there.

*sigh* I don't know, I really like this story. I get a blessed bracelet, a glimpse of religious chickanery, and an experience that can't be available to everyone, as it isn't in the lonely planet. And yet the story... I don't know, the story just doesn't captivate. It's not like how I got my hill tribe bracelet (involving rabid dogs and stone throwing women bursting from huts), or how I nearly visited Davey Jones while scuba-ing, or stick fighting on a beach, or boggeying in Bollywood. Even adding in the transliterations for the conversation, it's just not the story I'll be telling my grandchildren.

Anyhoo, let's get onto what happened AFTER the monk, and before the river boat ride. I walk down with a different thai guide, who is going to take me to the river boat. He's a nice chap (although I've long since forgotten his name), who did a history degree and was busily teling me about wat pho, and the pure gold buddha, and some other interesting tidbits on the way to the boat ride. On the way from wat pho, I see Beth again, and I figure I might as well take this ride with someone - otherwise it will be a rather boring affair. I call out to her, and as she comes over, my mind flickers with how best to ask her to come with me.
"Pick a number between 1 - 10", or maybe "that dress is very nice, I saw another girl wearing it", or even "wow, you're so hot, it's a shame I'm gay". For whatever reason though, I decide to leave out my half remembered readings of one Neil Strauss and just ask her what she is planning. She responds with "I was thinking of getting a massage, and then maybe seeing ". This really does throw me, and it's only with the spirit of Neil sitting, obi wan kenobi style, by me that I manage to pluck out a "how's about you come on this river boat ride instead?" Good old Neil, doing the old green-spirit thing for a brother.
I can still remember his words: "The force you have is strong, but concentrate you must!" Oh, and ladies of the world! When a guy asks you what you are planning on doing, the best response is "nothing, really, I was just going to sit and wait for someone to ask me to come on a river boat ride with them." I don't know, maybe I'll publish a book for women entitled "The woman's -game, or how to get picked up in bars" - there seems to be a dearth of this kind of knowledge around. All this waiting to meet a guy whose read a book and knows what he is doing - WHY ARE YOU WANTING THESE PEOPLE? I blame Barbi myself. Stupid git, always waiting for that terribly androgenous ken chap. But that's neither here nor there (much like ken's missing bits, really).

Ok! So we go on a river boat ride together, which is much fun. There are fish that are so thick you could walk across the river on them (we were throwing bread at them) - and let's face it, that's pretty thick. If m'man JC (the late and the great) had these puppies with him at the mount, he'd have had no bread and a pile of fish. Ok, so maybe you couldn't quite walk across on them, on account of falling over in pain when they ate your toes, but you could try (if maybe you had no toes, see?). We also got to buy over-priced rambutans, mangosteins and bananas (And beer!) from a boat man who sold such things, which was very fun. Kudos to my Uncle R who taught me how to eat rambutans and mangosteins, so I could look like a world-weary traveller when explaining such things to Beth.
We also saw: homes that were on the water and looked like places you wouldn't want to live, and water. Alot of brown water. Oh! And some people who looked like they were really not enjoying the boat ride at all. I, of course, was not really enjoying the whole thing much, on account of goddamn Neil Strauss sitting there going all "the hand of hers you should be massaging" and other cool sayings. Neil doesn't realise I have a more laid back approach, which involves self-doubt, introspection and procrastination on these matters. A teacher good he is not.

Ok, it's what, 1am here? And I've written a pile. This particular day was quite eventful - oh, what the hell, let's see if I can't finish it off, eh?
We leave the boat and grab some dinner together. Which is in the khao san road, and was very nice. I check out some stuff to buy for vasan's kids, buy a bracelet for myself (and I've long since lost that one!) and eat some chicken and cashew nuts. Maybe. It's either that or pad thai. We then grab a tuk tuk ride back, which involved driving on the wrong side of the road, squeals of adventure, and more Neil Strauss. We part ways, and an arrangement to meet up the next day to tour some temples in the north.

Ok, that wasn't so bad, was it? Tomorrow - the temples of the north! Will Neil Strauss' teachings prevail? And my visit to Elephant Caves in Bombay! Gosh, with this kind of stuff, it's a wonder people visit other crappy sites like google and gmail at all, isn't it?

Me and the Bollywood star

I've been told that sometimes the timeline of this blog is confusing. So, in this post, 3 things will be duscussed, in this order:
Bollywood (just a bit more about my day as an extra, with a picture)
Today (what i did today)
Thailand (what I did in thailand)


I don't know who this guy is:



But he's quite big in Bollywood, apparantly. And yes, that is me with the beige suit and the silly grin standing by him. Doesn't red go ever so well with Beige? I can't remember if I mentioned the zipper of the pants... well, there wasn't one, which is a problem. Bits of me (covered, tastefully, by boxers, I might add) kept popping out. The solution?
An indian seamstress (male - is there a male version? Oh yeah, tailor. Looks like those english teachers weren't far off, eh Dazza?) kindly goes to sew up the gap. Great fun, me looking down and silently praying to the grand pantheon of gods while chappie goes about his business (inbetween laughing his ass off).

Good fun, and the sewing worked (no wardrobe malfunctions, thanks) if only a little bit too well! Have you ever tried pulling pants down to go to the toilet when the zipper is fixed? Well, have you? It's quite very hard. Impossible even - I was like acontortionist in a Bollywood toilet. Like, because I have no qualifications.

Oh yeah, the guy above is called Govindah! He was very nice when I asked for a picture, and what more do you want in an actor whose hindi films you cannot understand?

Ok, quick summery of today:
I am a little ill, so haven't really been doing a great deal. I got my adaptor, and a sim card, and some photos. And I discovered that Govindah is quite a star. But then again, I suppose in a few years time he can show his kids that that is HIM standing next to ME.
Anyone prone to worry: I just have a bit of a cold. My hosts have whipped up some soup for me, so all is well!

Ok, now for some email flashbacks!!

* * *

Ugh... ok, so again, I've lost most of the emails I sent. Or rather, I didn't keep any good emails of the early period. So, wait, I've been given feedback that sometimes the timeline is confusing. So I'm going to edit the top of this post to try and make it clear!

Phew! Ok, so that's out of the way.

Thailand! Now, I'm going to try something a little different - something a little bit more, well, old skool. Back when spelling wasn't on the syllabus, y'know? And no, they weren't on noah's ark. Sorry, that just came to me, 3 points if you know what I am talking about. Anyway, it's time to do this as a short story.

Bwumf.

The plane hits down lustily. I flick my eyes up from my Thai Footprint guide, while the familiar "click click" of seat belts being quickly whipped off cascades down the aisle. I hurryingly oblige to the mexican wave of clicks, and the steady myself getting my bag and gear. The air is still the same as it was in s'pore, still that bland, dry airplane air that never lets you know where you were, or where you are going.

Thailand. It's the first time I've been in a country all on my own, and I only have a few hundred baht on me. I figure it's best to do these things with an air of brazen confidence though, so from here until the hotel room there's not going to be a moments looking back. Taking a deep breath, I clump down the aisle behind the other impatient people, whilst stewerdesses in their gaudy outfits give us traditional thai farewells. I give the stewerdess the traditional aussie lewd wink as I leave, responding to her thai-sweet "Korp khun ca" with a hearty "see ya, love."

Immigration, buses to the hotel area, it's all a blur of waiting and action and action and waiting. Sukhomvit soi is dirty (I later learn that all of thailand is dirty), and there's talk in the air of a coup, and danger... and maybe romance. But nothing to do with me. I find my hotel, get my gear sorted, and then head out into the night air of Bangkok.
There's something weird about the air in asian cities (except sterile s'pore). Sure, it's polluted as hell, but there's something else to it to. In the case of Thailand, it's more lively, fused with the aromas of pad thai and petrol fumes, of bad makeup and cheapened love. And yet it's still vibrant, as though the hustle and bustle of the masses seeking to eyke out a living has spilt over into the very air itself.
I pass by the usual sikumvit soi crowd. There's the fat, ugly white guys with the beaming smiles and the harem of young thai girls, and there's the armless beggers on the street calling out for alms. All of them adding to the smell. All of them making it vibrant.
It's pretty late by this time, and I pass some people sitting down in a bar (all caucasian, so I figure I can chat the tourist lingo with 'em) so I wander down and grab a seat with them. The gauntlet of thai pros I ran to get there was worthwhile though, as my three new friends are quite the bunch. There's a gorgeous american girl, whose jere to party hard after finishing her degree quick smart, the older american guy who is trying hard to hit on the girl, and who won't stop talking about the dangers of killer sharks, and an aging aussie bloke who used to be a warden, and now runs a plantation up north.
"All I fear are the sharks. You know, almost everyone lives when a plane crashes in the sea, but it's the sharks that get 'em. The shockewaves, see? They get the sharks up there quick smart. I don't fear anything..."
"Not even the sky? Falling on your head?"
"What? No buddy, I don't fear that. Hell, you could pull a 9mm out at me right now, and tell me you're going to shoot me, and I'd say..."
"Don't?"
"No, I'd say, pull it man. Coz I'm not scared of that, see? I just get scared of the sharks..."
I dream of terrorist sharks hijacking planes with 9mm guns that night, and crashing them endlessly into the briney, salty sea. I should have hit on that american girl, I'm sure that sharks aren't the standard in the "wooing a girl" manual, but I suppose I was still too nervous about the whole "chatting up women thing." And pretty girls always make me edgy.

Next morning, I figure I should go and check out Wat Pho...

ok, I'm giving up on this. What the hell was that? It was a combination of dirty harry and bad recurring motifs! Smell? My motif was smell? I don't even KNOW what Wat Pho smelt like. It wasn't teen spirit, that's for sure. No, I wasn't going to work that one into my story either.

SO I go to Wat Pho. It's all stupas and stuff. Stupas are great, let's not be getting me wrong here - but they really aren't THAT great. One or two of them are fine, 198 of them? Or however long Buddha lived for? There's one there for every year he was alive, and let me tell you, sitting under a bodhi tree fighting off demons and libidious women must do wonders for your longevity.
I check out wat pho, see a giant gold buddha (photo will come soon!) and then see another giant gold buddha.

Ok, I'm feeling like sleeping, not being the author of the year here - tomorrow's short story will be in a different style! Read it to your kids! Or better yet, get cracking and make some to read it to!

Thai times & Bollywood!

Well, it's 1am here in Mumbai so maybe no thai emails will be beig dug up today. Just a quick entry that, yes, the bollywood thing was legit and, yes, I was bedecked inthe most AWFUL mustard suit you will ever see in your life.
But there was me standing in the background doing very little, and me jumping up and down like a LOON in this giant dance scene with everyone else, and yes, it was a lot of fun.

If I wake up in time tomorrow, I will totally go again, while sometimes it was boring, it was really a great experience, and totally worth it.

Ok, I don't want to wake up my most generous hosts, so I'll have to post my fuller details tomororw. But I met some star and had my picture with him, was on the same table as Salman Khan's girlfriend (too made up - maybe it looks better that way on film), ran around with what was generally agreed as an authentic indian accent, and again, wore the worst mustard suit. Ever.

Hope I make a final cut for something, somewhere! My dancing really shouldn't be missed! What was it the director said?
"Now, I am wanting it to be that you are all to be standing and being the jumping with your hands in the air. I am wanting the jumping and the hands in the air for this scene."
God, you don't need to give me an engraved invitation for that stuff, eh?

I'm sure anyone can guess the plot of a Bollywood film, so it doesnt' bare repeating except it seems they only have one plot, and one set of main stream actors... only the extras differ. And the Bollywood studio we were in? Think reconstruction post ww2 Berlin, and you are getitng an idea of the outside. But the inside sets were fantastic. Well, set, there was only one. But it was pretty good. It was a wedding scene!

Oh! And congrats to Haran and Dim who just got engaged. If you are wanting a person to be doing the standing and the jumping with the hands in the air, then on the wedding day you must be giving me the vile mustard suit. I am telling you, you will not be regretting it.

I took some photos, but the videos I grabbed were, I feel, much more authentic. And fun!

Ok, going to be doing a laughing club tomorrow, so no thai reminiscing tonight, maybe the next day?

Singapore, take 1

Ok, so here is singapore, take one:

I was in singapore some time back, and sadly cannot find any record of it in any email correspondance. Actually, I've been in s'pore 3 times, and the last time was probably the best. Well, it was actually EASILY the best, but that is another story for another day! Maybe in a few days time (is there a time travel device around?) anyway.

In s'pore I stayed with... wait, let me recap today's events, as they are exciting too!

I am in mumbai (bombay) and go to see the Indian Gateway monument (sans camera, clever me). Nice as it is, I am slightly pestered by the various peddlers and whatnot - but after Camboooodia, they are nothing but dust in the eye. Heck, even the children weren't as dangerously chatty as the kids in Ankor Wat. As I am wandering about, a blond white chap walks up and tries to initiate conversation. Now, between you and me, dear blog, I really don't like guys initiating conversation with me. I don't particularly like women doing it either - if I'm going to talk to someone, I like to choose them out myself. This gives me the chance to suss them out, and limits my liability to con artists. I like to think this, anyway.
So I am just picking up my walking pace to move from saunter to amble, when he says those little words everyone wants to hear: "want to be in a Bollywood film?" Well now, who can say no to such an offer? I can't, so I get his details and arrange to meet tomorrow (with some other people he's convinced) at a nearby Maccas. I have little idea of the particulars, except I get to put my well honed dancing moves to practice, and have an offer of 500 rupees and lunch & drinks. What a bargain!

Ok then, let's see what I can rustle up about singapore!

I stay with my cousin Vasan and his delightful wife Jen, and two gorgeous girls, Amisha and Anjali. And the maid, called Davi. The apartment is nice, as befitting my cousin, and quite near all the action of s'pore. And what action there is! It's more action packed than last action hero combined with the wild roundhouse kicks of Chuck Norris. And that's action packed.

Things I did in s'pore #1
Partied at MOS
Partied in other places
Nearly got in a fight with an old white guy
Ate yummy food
Avoided India to go to Thailand

Let's go through those things one by one, shall we? In the first instance, I met up with some expat college girls at New Asia Bar (highly recommended for anyone partying anywhere), and then went with them to MOS. Where, good golly miss molly, those girls par-TAY-d. I mean, there was hip grinding, and girl-on-andrew-on-girl dancing, and girl-on-girl dancing, and then the bar staff got involved. They were sparying us with water, lighting flames and firing them everywhere... that night, I think we really were the MOS party. Random dudes were (literally) coming up to me and "just wanting to shake my hand". Craziest party night. Ever. Actually, that's how my sister talks, with the whole "ever" or otherwise definitely final tone and words. It's pretty fun, actually. No, wait, wrong tone. It's the most fun you could have. Ever.

The next on the list is fairly obvious, so we'll skip past it to:

Partying at New Asia Bar two days later. Well now, after the prevous times fun, who wouldn't go back to New Asia Bar? I did! And it was there that I was hit on by a pretty (but very very drunk) girl, who I had to drag (really) to her friends to get them to realise that she was well past the "it's all fun" and more into the "fun with stomach pump" time of the night.
After that, I see an attractive girl who is dancing with some old old dude. Now, before this, I'd been chatting to some guy - the VP of some logistics company whose name I actually have forgotten - and this is relevant. I go up to dance with the girl, and the old dude, get this, tells me to "f*ck off, I'm dancing with her" and other gems along the line of "she's mine". So I do what any other guy would do when threatened by someone 3/4 their size and 3 times their age - I ignore him. At which point, he starts threatning to hit me (a little weird - this is s'pore after all), and the girl goes off - to talk to Mr VP. So I wander up there too, and when Mr Pugnacious sees that I know mr vp, he walks up, introduces himself and then leaves. Turns out he's a married dude who works at the company. And he's not married to the girl, who had no idea that he was trying to hit on her. A weird night indeed.

Other things I did: a fun balloon ride, the capturing of what was thought to be a lost childhood moment, and children's tv. If these topics sound boring... they're not. But I'm rushing off to dinner, so they'l have to wait!

Chow for now!