Ok, so I'm at a beach in sri lanka - oona watoona. I know, straight from Jungle Book, or maybe The Lion King. Anyway, it's super nice here, as all beaches tend to be. People are friendly, water is lapping, and I'm in an internet cafe! I know, I am so having ace programmer genes in me.
Ok, but what did I do yesterday? Why ask that... I sat around colombo, worked my plans for Europe (it's too cold for a blitzkrieg) and then did, well, not much else.
"But what about the day before, Andrew, what did yuo do then" I hear you ask. Well, first, you TOTALLY mis-pronounced "you" and said "yuo" which is weird. But I'll let it slide and answer "yuor" question. "Yuo" idiot.
I pretended to be from Uzbekistan, and know no english. I know, a hoot and a half! So this local guy, he decides that, well, "here's an uzbek who speaks no english. I'm going to rip him off" - but as we all know, I have the last laugh! Generally as I don't get the joke. but otherwise...
So first, he jumps in a tuk tuk and takes me to a buddhist temple. To see elephants. Which aren't there. And then, after me pretending to not know what a king is ("ooooh! Is czar! Czar!") he takes me to the "super secret gem museum, Mr Andrew. You will like this place, it is only open once a year, Mr Andrew. And that day is today!"
Yeah, right, like all us uzbeks were born yesterday. Honestly, dude.
So I go in there, still not speaking english. Now, just a word to all you people out there who think that I was Dicing With Death here. I was meeting a delightful girl who works at the british High Commission (called Jude - Hey Jude! How are things. Sorry, I can't help myself sometimes)in 30 mins. And she knew where I was, and what my mob number was.
Anyway, after mistaking a tunnel for a toilet ("is toilet?" "no! No! Is tunnel!" "Oh, is toilet! We no toilet in uzbek! Is hotel, yes?") and bargaining a ring from 80 to 50 us dollars (it was a mix of white gold and silver... bollocks) I leave the gem place. The owner, incidentally, while I was chatting to a flunky, counted the NUMBER OF VERBS I USED and worked out I knew english. I denied it, of course... but that was pretty sharp. So after some joking around with english, arabic and singhalese we parted ways... and I met up with my tuk tuk driver, and my "friendly guide."
It got economical pretty quickly. "Cost is 1200 RS" the driver tells me.
"No! You get me! I no pay" I say.
My guide is looking assured "no no, mr andrew, you pay for tuk tuk, I no want money"
(Of course he doesn't, that ride did not cost more than 150 Rs, they are splitting it). ANYway, after calling him a "not good man!" I decide that, enough is enough. It's time to TOTALLY bail on this crazy ride.
So I start to jump out the tuk tuk. The driver slows down... will this crazy uzbek jump? Damn straight, dude. It's one thing to rip off a stupid english person... another to rort a TOTALLY nice uzbek guy. So out I leap, running off screaming "you not good people!"
I get another tuk tuk on to meet Jude, (Hey Jude! Sorry, sorry...) and as we drive down, at an intersection, my "friendly guide" appears, and asks for money!
"Driver!" I bellow, "Driver, I insist you drive past this miscreant." Old "friendly guide" looks baffled... and we drive off, into a sunset, if the sun was setting at this time. A good drive. Fast, sexy, and tuk-tuky. But now I'm just being poetical.
Anyway, after a drink and a meal with Jude and her friends, I head on back to my room, ready for a day of beaching. Which was half of today!
And a quick write up about Jude (Hey!) - it was a real pleasure to meet a pom with a sense of humour and fun! Quite looking forward to sunny Blighty now, eh, wot?
NB: Parts of this story are totally false. And parts are true (Hey Jude!), so don't worry. Be happy.
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